She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
