You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
