it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I think my fart just growled at me.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
