Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
