Umm I'm too high to move.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
