She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
