At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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