From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
