if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
