Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
