There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
