we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
