OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
