Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
