Who wears a wallet chain?!
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
