The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
