I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Randomize
