Just fell off a train. Bad.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
