I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
