tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
