You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
