I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
