wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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