i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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