the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
