what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
