I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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