im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
