my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
