3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
