2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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