come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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