I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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