So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
