Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
