you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize