Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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