I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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