Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
