i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
