I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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