You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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