you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
