Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
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