Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
