They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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