I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
me + whiskey = a bad person
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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