Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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