smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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