we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
