I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
