Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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