it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I intend to get homeless drunk
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
