so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
