he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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