At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
The uberlube is also flammable
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
