I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
