They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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